Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Probably my best painting.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Whisper out to librarians!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer