Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If you know, you know 😂🚔
