Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath