Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Revenge served cold

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

I feel seen.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.