Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.