Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
