Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I love twitter
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Who does Amazon think I am?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.