Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say