Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.