Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?