Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Truly one of the great bangers

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours