Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity