Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Hamburger Hinderer.