Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

goldfish mafia

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.