Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.