Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Worst Native American name ever.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.