Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
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this has done me in for some reason
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Seems kinda suspicious
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma