Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Weighing up my bread heating options

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.