Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.