Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.