Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.