Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

🙂🙃🥹

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

I love art.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.