Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

playing pool? you mean swimming?

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.