Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
WTF
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people