Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

🤣could you imagine

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.