Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

good morning

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.