Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices