Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
there’s music for literally every activity
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Unmatched
Too easy.
my favorite genre of twitter
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here