Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Happy Caturday!
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”