Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

The only good comments section online is on recipes

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.