Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Taking phone security to the next level.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*watches the world burn*