Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
The news in a nutshell.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster