Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap