Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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As per my last nervous breakdown
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
A small tragedy.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?