coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You Might Also Like
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)