Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.