Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.