Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

That’s classic.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

listen closely

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

yes yes a thousand times yes!

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?