Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.