Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish