Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

here we go again

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.