Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
This classic never gets old . . .
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The internet is full of many things
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.