Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.