Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”