Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?