Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to throw up

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*