Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

🤣😂

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.