COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
You Might Also Like
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.