Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
🤣🤣🤣
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.