Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
good let them take over I have had enough
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back