Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.