Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me