Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes