coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?