coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Windows
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first