Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.