Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
#NeverForget
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost