Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
President The Rock Obama
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]