Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You Might Also Like
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.