Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
We need more people like this.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Put the is in disheveled
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Gods work.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat