Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Best seat on the street 😍
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…