Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please