Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I feel it
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets