Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks