Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
You Might Also Like
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.