Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
wishing you and yours all the best
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing