coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The USS B port
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Left at a local drug store…
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep