Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

i smell a pulitzer

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?