coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
next question.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.