The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You Might Also Like
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…
And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]