That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You Might Also Like
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU