@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

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@Thedudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@MavenofHonor

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@david8hughes

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

@Stellacopter

*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU