@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

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@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook

@Brianhopecomedy

If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I’d say, “Contact Him” while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.

@AaronFullerton

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@flashember

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

@charliedelta7

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@ryaninco

There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.