coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn鈥檛 have to be you, but if you鈥檙e lucky, it will be.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Hello Twits.
I can鈥檛 figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter鈥檚 dress or one of my wife鈥檚 shirts. One of them is a slut though. That鈥檚 for sure.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I don鈥檛 think this app is working properly, I鈥檓 like barely getting any matches.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there鈥檚 no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that鈥檚 slightly too soft I can鈥檛 walk for three days
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work