coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

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[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?


I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook


If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I’d say, “Contact Him” while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.


Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight


In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.


7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*


Me: Right. Of course.


There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.