@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

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@NotthatAdamWest

The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@3sunzzz

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@iwearaonesie

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]