Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.