Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people: