Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
What about a To-Don’t List?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that