coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“you recording!?”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
i prefer mine room temperature.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.