coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
