Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.