coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.