Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.