Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.